Category Archives: Dealing With Control

3 Steps For Parenting A Strong Willed / Controlling Child

I’m guessing that there is probably no parent out there who has not had a run in with it in some way shape or form! In order to understand the patterns of control, we have to dig a little deeper and understand why they might be there. With the best of intentions, because we all want what is best for our child, we turn to control under the clever disguise of: “my child need’s me to do it”, “this is best for my child”, “this will protect my child”, “this makes it easier for my child”. Control wears many hats… We do it to avoid discomfort for ourselves and for our child and we do it because we fear of what might happen if we don’t. “If I don’t do his laces up for him, we are going to be late…”  “If I don’t do his homework for him, he will never finish it…” “If I don’t force him to practice his piano he will fail his exam…” “If I don’t expose him to lots of new things he will never be successful…” “If I don’t put him into extra Math, he will never get the A. If he doesn’t …Read more →

The Controlling Child Is Out Of Control

In order to understand the patterns of control, we have to dig a little deeper and understand why they might be there. With the best of intentions, because we all want what is best for our child, we turn to control under the clever disguise of: “my child need’s me to do it”, “this is best for my child”, “this will protect my child”, “this makes it easier for my child”. Control wears many hats… We do it to avoid discomfort for ourselves and for our child and we do it because we fear of what might happen if we don’t. “If I don’t do his laces up for him, we are going to be late…”  “If I don’t do his homework for him, he will never finish it…” “If I don’t force him to practice his piano he will fail his exam…” “If I don’t expose him to lots of new things he will never be successful…” “If I don’t put him into extra Math, he will never get the A. If he doesn’t get the A, he won’t get into a GOOD college…” “If I don’t nag, he will never remember…” And so it goes on. How might …Read more →

What All Parents Need To Know About Handling Unacceptable Behavior

For those of you who are signed up to receive my free online Parent Coaching Program, you will know that we have covered three parenting topics this year. January – We looked at ways to become more intentional in our parenting practice February – We focused on the HUGE benefits of Self-Care March – We developed some strategies to help us Shape Our Behavior and become more conscious With April upon us, I’d like to introduce you to the theme for the month and it’s a big one: Decoding And Shaping Our Children’s Behavior  What is behavior? How do you view behavior? How do you deal with unacceptable behavior? Does your approach work? Behavior is a means of communication. How I chose to respond or react to my children’s behavior and shape my resultant behavior will have a big impact on the choices that my children make regarding theirs. Which comes first? Does my child’s behavior trigger my behavior or does my behavior trigger my child’s? Interesting question… Children are not born knowing how to behave. As they develop they will try out many different “behaviors” to establish which ones work and which ones don’t. Their behavior evolves and changes …Read more →

5 Tips For Dealing With A Controlling Child

Dear YPP, My youngest son always wants to be in charge and have the last say. When I put his juice in the orange cup, he wants the blue one. If I say it’s time to stop playing on the iPad he won’t stop. If his sister sits in one of the car seats, that’s the seat he wants to sit in. If the family is watching Blues Clues on the TV, he will want Power Rangers despite the fact that Blues Clues is his favorite show right now. It’s just relentless. We put him in bed, he gets up… I end up losing my mind and we are fighting all the time. Please help me. Dear Mom, Thank you for sending us your heartfelt note regarding the behavior challenges that you are experiencing with your son. Just know that this is a very common challenge for many parents and that you will be able to sort it all out and channel his control in more positive directions. It sounds like you have a wonderful, very strong willed and determined son, all of which are traits that will stand him in good stead later on in life but which are …Read more →

How To Parent A Strong Willed, Controlling Child

Last week I wrote about behavior and decoding the challenging ones. In this blog I am going to explore the challenges that the controlling child can present. If a child has a tendency towards control and is regularly given the opportunity by their parents to be controlling (unknowingly or because it is easier) the child may end up finding it hard to accept or cope with situations where they have no control or when someone says “no”. The result of which, usually being, that everyone suffers. Very often, chaos reigns, control meets control, tempers flare and it is no fun for anyone. Why do some children become controlling? In many cases, a child exerting control is often doing so because of a lack of confidence or belief in themselves of feeling CAPABLE (one of the 4 C’s of Adlerian Parenting). The goal of their behavior is therefore to prove themselves capable but they go about this in a controlling way which when viewed through their lens can look like this: “I can control the family and I am really good at it. I’ll show you and prove to you that I am capable. What I say or do will go …Read more →

DECODING CHALLENGING BEHAVIOR

Sulking, Moody, Control, Attitude, Addicted to Devices & Phones…… Whenever the subject of challenging behavior comes up, I like to invite parents to take the time to consider two questions and one statement. I feel that the answers to these questions and the subsequent discussions, make solving challenging behaviors much simpler and clearer for parents: 1. What is the purpose of the behavior? 2. Is this behavior working to the advantage of the child? 3. No habit is maintained if it loses its purpose. When babies are born they are totally reliant on their parents. However, relatively quickly they learn the relationship between cause and effect; the most obvious one being – if I cry, Mom appears. Challenging behaviors usually start to ramp up in the toddler years. Patterns of behavior become established and the challenging ones, if not dealt with at this stage, can quickly escalate into bigger one’s as children get older. When you then add “normal” teenage behaviors into the mix, things can get particularly challenging. Children are not born knowing how to behave so as they develop will try out many different “behaviors” to establish which ones work and which ones don’t. It is an experimental …Read more →