As a Parent Coach, I get more questions on – how to parent a strong-willed / controlling child than anything else! There is probably no parent out there who has not had a run in with control in some way shape or form, but for some, the levels of control are over-whelming. So, how do you parent a strong-willed, controlling child? In order to understand the patterns of control, we have to dig a little deeper and understand why they might be there. With the best of intentions, because we all want what is best for our child, we turn to control under the clever disguise of: “my child need’s me to do it”, “this is best for my child”, “this will protect my child”, “this makes it easier for my child”. Control wears many hats… We do it to avoid discomfort for ourselves and for our child and we do it because we fear what might happen if we don’t. “If I don’t do his laces up for him, we are going to be late…” “If I don’t do his homework for him, he will never finish it…” “If I don’t force him to practice his piano he …Read more →
Category Archives: Dealing With Control
One Of The Most Important Parenting Skills Required Today
One of the most important parenting skills required today is the ability to set boundaries and hold the limits. In order to do this well, it is vitally important that you understand the relationship between boundaries and respect. Stay with me here, all will become clear. Boundaries and respect. Respect and boundaries. Chicken or the egg? Why are we talking about respect, I want to create killer boundaries around screen time and other things! I bet you’ve never really thought about respect and boundaries in the same breath. Believe me, neither had I! However, it is only when you understand the close relationship between these two things, that you will be able to shift from being so-so at setting boundaries and crap at holding the limits to being good at setting boundaries and kickass good at holding the limits. Boundaries alone are not enough. I’m going to generalize here, but, most of us moms are not bad at setting “the boundary” ie. saying what needs to be done. But sadly that’s often where it ends! It’s the next piece that gets us: we are not so great at holding the limits. You know the story, as soon as you …Read more →
The Controlling Child Is Out Of Control
In order to understand the patterns of control, we have to dig a little deeper and understand why they might be there. With the best of intentions, because we all want what is best for our child, we turn to control under the clever disguise of: “my child need’s me to do it”, “this is best for my child”, “this will protect my child”, “this makes it easier for my child”. Control wears many hats… We do it to avoid discomfort for ourselves and for our child and we do it because we fear of what might happen if we don’t. “If I don’t do his laces up for him, we are going to be late…” “If I don’t do his homework for him, he will never finish it…” “If I don’t force him to practice his piano he will fail his exam…” “If I don’t expose him to lots of new things he will never be successful…” “If I don’t put him into extra Math, he will never get the A. If he doesn’t get the A, he won’t get into a GOOD college…” “If I don’t nag, he will never remember…” And so it goes on. How might …Read more →
What All Parents Need To Know About Handling Unacceptable Behavior
For those of you who are signed up to receive my free online Parent Coaching Program, you will know that we have covered three parenting topics this year. January – We looked at ways to become more intentional in our parenting practice February – We focused on the HUGE benefits of Self-Care March – We developed some strategies to help us Shape Our Behavior and become more conscious With April upon us, I’d like to introduce you to the theme for the month and it’s a big one: Decoding And Shaping Our Children’s Behavior What is behavior? How do you view behavior? How do you deal with unacceptable behavior? Does your approach work? Behavior is a means of communication. How I chose to respond or react to my children’s behavior and shape my resultant behavior will have a big impact on the choices that my children make regarding theirs. Which comes first? Does my child’s behavior trigger my behavior or does my behavior trigger my child’s? Interesting question… Children are not born knowing how to behave. As they develop they will try out many different “behaviors” to establish which ones work and which ones don’t. Their behavior evolves and changes …Read more →
5 Tips For Dealing With A Controlling Child
Dear YPP, My youngest son always wants to be in charge and have the last say. When I put his juice in the orange cup, he wants the blue one. If I say it’s time to stop playing on the iPad he won’t stop. If his sister sits in one of the car seats, that’s the seat he wants to sit in. If the family is watching Blues Clues on the TV, he will want Power Rangers despite the fact that Blues Clues is his favorite show right now. It’s just relentless. We put him in bed, he gets up… I end up losing my mind and we are fighting all the time. Please help me. Dear Mom, Thank you for sending us your heartfelt note regarding the behavior challenges that you are experiencing with your son. Just know that this is a very common challenge for many parents and that you will be able to sort it all out and channel his control in more positive directions. It sounds like you have a wonderful, very strong willed and determined son, all of which are traits that will stand him in good stead later on in life but which are …Read more →
How To Parent A Strong Willed, Controlling Child
Last week I wrote about behavior and decoding the challenging ones. In this blog I am going to explore the challenges that the controlling child can present. If a child has a tendency towards control and is regularly given the opportunity by their parents to be controlling (unknowingly or because it is easier) the child may end up finding it hard to accept or cope with situations where they have no control or when someone says “no”. The result of which, usually being, that everyone suffers. Very often, chaos reigns, control meets control, tempers flare and it is no fun for anyone. Why do some children become controlling? In many cases, a child exerting control is often doing so because of a lack of confidence or belief in themselves of feeling CAPABLE (one of the 4 C’s of Adlerian Parenting). The goal of their behavior is therefore to prove themselves capable but they go about this in a controlling way which when viewed through their lens can look like this: “I can control the family and I am really good at it. I’ll show you and prove to you that I am capable. What I say or do will go …Read more →
DECODING CHALLENGING BEHAVIOR
Sulking, Moody, Control, Attitude, Addicted to Devices & Phones…… Whenever the subject of challenging behavior comes up, I like to invite parents to take the time to consider two questions and one statement. I feel that the answers to these questions and the subsequent discussions, make solving challenging behaviors much simpler and clearer for parents: 1. What is the purpose of the behavior? 2. Is this behavior working to the advantage of the child? 3. No habit is maintained if it loses its purpose. When babies are born they are totally reliant on their parents. However, relatively quickly they learn the relationship between cause and effect; the most obvious one being – if I cry, Mom appears. If you are struggling with a child with controlling behaviour, I have written a mini e-book titled How To Parent A Controlling Child to help parents navigate this extremely challenging behaviour. It has helped so may parents and I know it will help you too. Access your FREE copy here: Challenging behaviors usually start to ramp up in the toddler years. Patterns of behavior become established and the challenging ones, if not dealt with at this stage, can quickly escalate into bigger one’s …Read more →
