As a Parent Coach, I get more questions on – how to parent a strong-willed / controlling child than anything else! There is probably no parent out there who has not had a run in with control in some way shape or form, but for some, the levels of control are over-whelming. So, how do you parent a strong-willed, controlling child? In order to understand the patterns of control, we have to dig a little deeper and understand why they might be there. With the best of intentions, because we all want what is best for our child, we turn to control under the clever disguise of: “my child need’s me to do it”, “this is best for my child”, “this will protect my child”, “this makes it easier for my child”. Control wears many hats… We do it to avoid discomfort for ourselves and for our child and we do it because we fear what might happen if we don’t. “If I don’t do his laces up for him, we are going to be late…” “If I don’t do his homework for him, he will never finish it…” “If I don’t force him to practice his piano he …Read more →
Category Archives: Your Child’s Behaviour
Do You Struggle With Feeling Disrespected?
In a previous post, I discussed the relationship between boundaries and respect. The two are so closely related to each other that if you haven’t read it, I suggest you read it before going any further. You can find it HERE It’s called: One Of The Most Important Parenting Skills Required Today. Suffice to say that if you are feeling disrespected, you are not alone but you probably think that it is others in your life that are causing you the disrespect you feel? Yes? It might not be that simple! Stick with me here, it will soon become much clearer. No matter what you do, you can’t seem to get it right. You know you should be able to set effective boundaries and hold the limits around screen time AND other things too, but as hard as you try, more often than not, the boundary you set is ineffective. You say YES when you know you should say NO. You say NO and wonder why you did! The pushback you get from your child causes you to either cave or put your foot down too hard. You don’t listen to what it is you really need and don’t …Read more →
One Of The Most Important Parenting Skills Required Today
One of the most important parenting skills required today is the ability to set boundaries and hold the limits. In order to do this well, it is vitally important that you understand the relationship between boundaries and respect. Stay with me here, all will become clear. Boundaries and respect. Respect and boundaries. Chicken or the egg? Why are we talking about respect, I want to create killer boundaries around screen time and other things! I bet you’ve never really thought about respect and boundaries in the same breath. Believe me, neither had I! However, it is only when you understand the close relationship between these two things, that you will be able to shift from being so-so at setting boundaries and crap at holding the limits to being good at setting boundaries and kickass good at holding the limits. Boundaries alone are not enough. I’m going to generalize here, but, most of us moms are not bad at setting “the boundary” ie. saying what needs to be done. But sadly that’s often where it ends! It’s the next piece that gets us: we are not so great at holding the limits. You know the story, as soon as you …Read more →
How To Stop Your Kids Interrupting You
To change anything you need to first need to see your life AS IT IS to identify the parts of it that actually need changing. In other words, to stop your kids interrupting you, you have to see your child’s patterns of interrupting as it is, big picture. Very often, many of our struggles and challenges, come from us being over-whelmed and having just too much on our plates. As such, we have to learn to prioritize what’s most important, find ways to reduce the chaos and stress to allow ourselves to show up as we know we can and “should”, to allow us to meet our child’s needs. I wrote about just this in a post called: How To Upgrade Your Parenting. If you are interested in more on this and finding a way to upgrade your parenting, this blog HERE is just for you. It’s called THE ULTIMATE PARENTING UPGRADE. It is easy to see that when we are operating from a place of general over-whelm, dealing with the routine things that kids do, like interrupting, being disrespectful, not listening, leaving their sh*t all over the house, can cause us to snap. It becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s …Read more →
How To Get Your Child To Listen
Do you remember hearing the older generation referring to children as being seen but not heard? I do! I remember it well. I also remember my parents saying things like: “Do as I say, not as I do” and “One day when you are older, I’ll tell you”. I could never understand it. It never sat well with me. But I didn’t question it. None of us did. I listened. And for the most part, I did what I was told! I was not alone. I was no different to any of my friends. We were all in the same boat. We obeyed and complied for fear of the punishment that might follow if we didn’t. We all beat to the same drum. The same “fear” drum my parents beat to when they were young and the one their parents beat to as well. The same script. The same prescription. Dr Shefali Tsabary describes it as the Kool-Aid. They all drank the Kool-Aid and didn’t question it. It was the way of it. It was just how things were. Wind the clock forward and fortunately, for the main part, this generation of parents at least recognizes the utter ridiculousness of …Read more →
The Controlling Child Is Out Of Control
In order to understand the patterns of control, we have to dig a little deeper and understand why they might be there. With the best of intentions, because we all want what is best for our child, we turn to control under the clever disguise of: “my child need’s me to do it”, “this is best for my child”, “this will protect my child”, “this makes it easier for my child”. Control wears many hats… We do it to avoid discomfort for ourselves and for our child and we do it because we fear of what might happen if we don’t. “If I don’t do his laces up for him, we are going to be late…” “If I don’t do his homework for him, he will never finish it…” “If I don’t force him to practice his piano he will fail his exam…” “If I don’t expose him to lots of new things he will never be successful…” “If I don’t put him into extra Math, he will never get the A. If he doesn’t get the A, he won’t get into a GOOD college…” “If I don’t nag, he will never remember…” And so it goes on. How might …Read more →
What All Parents Need To Know About Handling Unacceptable Behavior
For those of you who are signed up to receive my free online Parent Coaching Program, you will know that we have covered three parenting topics this year. January – We looked at ways to become more intentional in our parenting practice February – We focused on the HUGE benefits of Self-Care March – We developed some strategies to help us Shape Our Behavior and become more conscious With April upon us, I’d like to introduce you to the theme for the month and it’s a big one: Decoding And Shaping Our Children’s Behavior What is behavior? How do you view behavior? How do you deal with unacceptable behavior? Does your approach work? Behavior is a means of communication. How I chose to respond or react to my children’s behavior and shape my resultant behavior will have a big impact on the choices that my children make regarding theirs. Which comes first? Does my child’s behavior trigger my behavior or does my behavior trigger my child’s? Interesting question… Children are not born knowing how to behave. As they develop they will try out many different “behaviors” to establish which ones work and which ones don’t. Their behavior evolves and changes …Read more →
TEMPER, ANGER, TANTRUMS, REACTIONS?
Have you ever given much thought to how you react to things? How do you react in conflict situations? How do you react when you are very sad or mad? How do you react to your children fighting, bickering and arguing? Have you ever considered that your children might react the way you react, after all we are their primary role models. Being able to switch from reactivity mode to response mode is as skill I believe key to parenting well, however, it is certainly much easier said than done! In this modern, digital, seemingly instant world, we are all so easily aroused with many things coming into consideration to influence us in the heat of the moment. If you are tired, or hungry, or having a bad day, have a headache, your reaction to future things will all be based off that. It’s hardly surprising that something else which challenges this baseline, such as kids whining, arguing, bickering and fighting might tip us over the edge into reactivity and doing or saying something without thought that we might regret. Reacting to something in the heat of the moment often means that you take the low road. How do …Read more →
How To Parent A Strong Willed, Controlling Child
Last week I wrote about behavior and decoding the challenging ones. In this blog I am going to explore the challenges that the controlling child can present. If a child has a tendency towards control and is regularly given the opportunity by their parents to be controlling (unknowingly or because it is easier) the child may end up finding it hard to accept or cope with situations where they have no control or when someone says “no”. The result of which, usually being, that everyone suffers. Very often, chaos reigns, control meets control, tempers flare and it is no fun for anyone. Why do some children become controlling? In many cases, a child exerting control is often doing so because of a lack of confidence or belief in themselves of feeling CAPABLE (one of the 4 C’s of Adlerian Parenting). The goal of their behavior is therefore to prove themselves capable but they go about this in a controlling way which when viewed through their lens can look like this: “I can control the family and I am really good at it. I’ll show you and prove to you that I am capable. What I say or do will go …Read more →
WHAT MOTIVATES YOUR CHILD’S BEHAVIOR?
“If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for a reward, we are a sorry lot indeed” – Albert Einstein And I thought that Einstein was purely a theoretical physicist. He clearly had a far greater perspective on life than his passion and genius for physics and relativity would lead us to believe! I think that it is safe to say that all parents would like their children to behave. Ideally we want to stimulate their cooperation so they choose to behave in an acceptable manner without the use of punishment, bribes and reward. These methods of control force children to behave for fear of punishment if they don’t and for a reward if they do. What do you think drives / motivates your child’s behavior? Themselves, fear, rewards, bribes or a mix of a few? Our Goal The goal is to make our children want to behave, to foster intrinsic motivation in them so that they can make the wise choice of socially acceptable behavior. Punishment – does it work? Punishment is a negative form of discipline that might work in the short term because it is fear based. It forces the child to behave for …Read more →
