The theme this month is going to be on unraveling our FEARS and the HUGE role and impact that fear has on our parenting. You might be thinking to yourself:
“Fear, what fears, I’m not scared… What is there to be afraid of?”
According to Dr Shefali Tsabary the author of The Conscious Parent, Out of Control and The Awakened Family:
“The rise of the parental ego is the fundamental obstruction between parents and their children”.
She strongly believes that:
“Fear is the cornerstone of all our reactive emotions and reactive energy, especially around our loved ones. Even our angry or worried reactions”.
It is our fears that drive our inner voice, our ego and it is for much of the time that this voice drives us. Being conscious of this and being willing to be aware of this is THE only way in which to prevent it. Dr Shefali has really helped me understand this and I hope that I can help you.
Our inner voice is always with us. However, it is only when we develop an awareness for it (an inner voice/ego radar detector or EgoGPS) for when it is in the driver’s seat, taking us down the road to despair (fear, shame, blame, doubt, guilt, lack etc) that we are able to see it as only that – a voice. A sneaky, highly convincing, conniving and manipulative one desperate to run the show.
Here are some examples to highlight this:
Your 14 year old daughter is having a meltdown because she can’t do her Math homework.
Your inner voice/ego might be saying this:
“Here she goes again, it’s always the same. As soon as she can’t do something, she has a meltdown. She did it when she was 3 and she is still doing it. She is never going to be able to control herself”
“Oh my goodness, if she doesn’t work this out, she is never going to be able to get into a decent college. Every good college demands a graduating A in Math”
Your fear: She will never get herself together, never get into a good college, never be who she is capable of becoming.
Coming from fear, your reaction, outer voice projected onto her will most probably be tainted with blame, shame, despair, anger, doubt, worry.
Your 9 year old son just cannot get himself out of the door in time for anything.
Your inner voice/ego might be saying this:
“Oh no, we are going to be late AGAIN. No matter how much time I give you, you are always distracted and unfocused. We are always running around like crazy people to get out the door”
“What’s wrong with you? No, I don’t know where you last left your shoes. You are so disorganized. You will never be able to cope in high school. At this rate you are going to be living at home until you are 30”
Your fear: He will always have to rely on others in order to get his life together, he will never be successful.
Coming from fear, your reaction, outer voice projected onto him will most probably be tainted with blame, shame, guilt, doubt, worry, anger, frustration, impatience.
Here’s the reality:
When your inner voice is saying these things and coming from “lack”, it will be reflected in the words and tone of your outer voice and therefore your “reactions”. Your outer voice thus becomes tainted, polluted, intoxicated and driven by your inner voice: It is impossible for it not to be. This voice then becomes the voice your child hears and this can then become his/her inner voice…
When we are coming from ego, this place of lack, despair and fear, full of oh no’s, what if’s, if only’s, he should, she must, he ought to, she will never…. our children have no choice but to follow our lead. It is neither wonder that they might end up saying things like this to themselves:
“I am not good enough”
“I am the biggest loser because I can’t do Math. I may as well give up now”
“I am so use-less, I can’t even find my shoes”
“I am so unfocused, I will never be able to cope at high school”
And we all know that what you focus on grows…
When our focus is from lack and not being good enough, smart enough, loved enough, organized enough, efficient enough, we and our life will never be enough.
The solution: To become conscious of when the ego is driving us, and switch our focus to abundance
It is only when we can develop an awareness, a consciousness for when our inner voice is driving us from lack and are then able to shift it to come from abundance that we will allow ourselves and our children to come from a more positive place and not let fear drive us.
When we come from essence, abundance, trust, compassion, good concern and self-belief our children will follow our lead:
- When we show trust in them, they will learn to trust in themselves
- When we believe they are capable of anything, they too will believe that
- When we treat them with compassion and patience, they will treat themselves similarly
- When we show no doubt, they will not doubt
- When we show no blame, they will not blame
- When we have no fear, they will have no fear
“I see you are having a tough time with your Math. Is there anything I can do to help? Try not to worry about it, maybe you can speak to your teacher in the morning. I know that you can do it”
“We will be leaving in 10 minutes, have you got everything you need? Do you need any help? I think that your shoes are at the front door from last night”
It is hard to always have patience and compassion with our children. However, until we can shift from fear and lack into abundance and essence and respond to our children with what they need, moment by moment, situation by situation, our children will continue to mirror our fears back to us and into themselves.
Recognizing this was an AHA moment for me. It is so liberating to detach from fear and not let it drive my interactions with my children. Do I manage to do it all the time? No, I’m human, but the more I do it, the more it the more it happens. It is not something that when done once I am “cured”. Oh no no…. That would be much too simple! It is an on-going practice. It is a work in progress but it is so worth it and, in my belief, the way of “being” to strive for.
You have created an incredible, unique human being, full of their own spirit, vitality, promise and abundance. Do everything you can to never forget this, to see your children for who they are, to deeply trust in them and not sow the seeds of doubt into them through your fears. After all, there is probably no adult out there who was totally “together and organized” as a 9 year old and no adult out there who aged 14 didn’t have a meltdown on some scale over homework!
Children need to be given what they need in order to develop an authentic sense of Self; self-confidence, self-reliance, self-belief, self-trust, self-worth, self-everything… They are born with everything they need and as Dr Shefali Tsabary often says (with a wry smile on her face) – “Then we happen to them”! It is our fears that over time destabilize and erode our child’s self-concept and self-everything which then triggers the cycle of “lack” within them.
Children need their parents to have the courage to step aside from fear and parent from their authentic selves and essence.
This is the path to evolution and awakening – for our children and for us.
What are you going to do when you hear your inner voice coming from fear and lack?
What can you do to focus on coming from abundance?
How are you going to make this shift?
Over the next couple of weeks, I will be giving you a couple more tips on this. Stay tuned, it’s going to be good. It’s transformational and it works.
PS. If you haven’t done so already, get a copy of The Awakened Family by Dr Shefali Tsabary. It is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. It will revolutionize how you parent.